Melanie Morgan

OK. The secret’s out. I am headed to one of the most dreaded, brutal, bloody spots in the world – if you’re a liberal.

Gitmo. The word sends lefties running to the bong for another hit of weed to ease their misery. I’m looking forward to seeing with my own eyes the base where we cage beasts that want to cut our throats because we aren’t radical Muslims.

I have to admit – I also want to warm myself. Despite what Al Gore-ites say, we in Northern California haven’t experienced global warming. In fact, I have to crank up the heat – bless me Algore, for I have sinned – to defrost my bones in the morning.

Anyway, my nonprofit, Move America Forward, thought it was high-time to travel to Guantanamo Bay to thank our troops for their steadfast work with some of the most vicious beings to walk this earth (aside from Code Pink freaks I’ve met on the streets of Berkeley).

Over the past couple of weeks, MAF has traveled the country to hold rallies for our troops. Patriots have come out to the rallies and gone to our Website at www.moveamericaforward.org and sponsored care packages for our troops.

Yes, we actually love our troops and respect them for their work keeping us safe. We are also aware that the left in this country wants to close Gitmo.

Important safety tip to you whiney liberals: If you want to close Guantanamo Bay like your leader, Barack Obama, you need to make your home their home. That’s right. But make sure that you don’t offend them. Call them to prayer five times a day. Feed them culturally appropriate food. Give them prayer caps, prayer rugs and prayer beads and a brand new Koran. They’re used to all of these items, thanks to the dreaded Americans who run Gitmo.

But make sure to put away the kitchen knives, or you may wake up in the morning without your head.

Tune in later when I give you the lowdown on club Gitmo. I plan to eat well, relax, an d kick back in the 80-degree weather after some afternoon waterboarding!!

Mostly, though, I’m going to thank our troops for keeping us safe from the real live monsters that are foaming at the mouth to get at us.