The mainstream media have already crowned Sen. Barack Hussein Obama our next president. Sure, they had a little hiccup when they actually peeked into Obama’s spiritual mentor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a radical preacher who hollered black power from the pulpit.
But the media are back on track now. So we might as well get used to it: President Obama.
As a service to America, I’ve taken a look ahead to President Obama’s first day in the Oval Office.
President Obama calls his first Cabinet meeting.
Obama: OK brothers and sisters. Let’s begin this incredibly historic day, a day when the very first African-American leader took the reins of this soon-to-be great country, with a prayer. Rev. Wright, would you please lead us in a spiritual gathering, something that will bring us all together: the Muslims, Christians, Buddhists – and maybe even reach out to our Jewish brothers and sisters?
Wright: Yes, brother, uh, President Obama. Lord, we want to thank you for this opportunity to transform the White House, the House led by rich, white men, into the House of Color. We pray that you will exorcise this house of the demons . . .
Obama: Thank you Reverend . . .
Wright: The white devils . . .
Obama: Could Sergeant of Arms Hillary Clinton please bring order to the Oval Office? Very good. Let’s get to our agenda. First, let’s go to Secretary of Surrender Harry Reid.
Reid: Mr. President. We have prepared our troops for a quick and thorough surrender. I have consulted with Undersecretary of Surrender Jack Murtha on the redeployment to Tokyo.
Obama: Excellent. Secretary Reid: Have you spoken with Secretary of a Communist State Jane Fonda about repercussions on redeployment?
Reid: Secretary Fonda is busy in North Vietnam at the all-Terrorist United Nations gathering. The Vietcong have unveiled a statue commemorating her pose with the anti-aircraft gun pointed at the Americans during the Vietnam War.
Obama: Well, thanks to Sister Fonda the world knew the truth about our misguided interference in Vietnam’s affairs.
Next, we need to explore a Presidential Pardon for my partner, Tony Rezko. Once this is completed, I’ll nominate him for Secretary of Commerce. Any problems with that? Good. Now, let’s get down to our congressional campaign to revive the Fairness Doctrine (damn those conservative talk show radio hosts, they were so MEAN to me and Mich.)
Do we have support for this? Where are the roadblocks?
Vice President Kennedy. Have you prepped the Senate on the legislation and told those right-wing agitators to silence their outlandish criticism? That’s right. We’re going to do it for them with this legislation. Yes we can! It’s good to have the law on our side. Yes it is!
VP Ted Kennedy: Uh, Mr. President. Uh. This has riled Rush Limbaugh and others who are standing behind the First Amendment. The nerve of those people. Makes me want to have a stiff scotch and water.
Obama: Look. The First Amendment shall not stay in the way of justice. It shall not stand in the way of righteousness. We will shut the rightwing down. Yes we can!!!
Kennedy: Let’s get to the tax increases. We’re running out of money for designers lunches in Berkeley, Calif., and special parking spaces for those heroines in pink, Code Pink.
Obama: We owe a lot to the Ladies and Men in Pink. Without them, our campaign to surrender would not succeed. Thanks to them we can say “yes we can surrender!”
I propose a tax increase on the rich, especially Nancy Pelosi. She’s waay richer than I, and she refused to endorse me during the primary campaign. We’ll wipe that smile off her face. Yes we can!!
Obama: Thanks for a productive meeting. My girl Michelle is FINALLY proud to be American. Now, could somebody please raise the white flag over the Capitol?